Islamic Groups Say Health Insura is Illegal Gambling

Left-wing national healthcare advocates and Islamofascist sympathizers more confused than usual

April 10, 2008

The Economic Times newspaper reported earlier this week that key Islamic organizations within India have labeled health insurance benefits “gambling,” declared them illegal and ordered Muslims to stay away from them.  Experts say other Muslim groups may soon sign-on and make similar edicts.  U.S. Democrats and left-wing types want to placate Islamofascists thinking that they will leave us alone, but they also back government financed national healthcare coverage.  They aren’t sure what to do now.

“We want the U.S. government to finance healthcare for all Americans and eventually the world and that includes Islamofascists, so this recent declaration is problematic,” said Kamikaze Moore, a pacifist whose one vice is an occasional desire to shoot his in-laws.  “The idea that health insurance constitutes illegal gambling seems out of context for a group that randomly blows people up and plays dice with the lives of others.  Still, it’s important that we’re tolerant of their views and try to do whatever they want.”

Some people think it’s one more sign that some civilizations are destine to never get along, while others see it as just the opposite.  “I think insurance salespeople should be illegal because they’re such scammers and a lot of the insurance companies are rip-off experts taking both individuals and governments to the cleaners,” said I. M. Pissed, a Christian Muslim who spends most days in conflict with himself.  “Gambling or just plain highway robbery, call it whatever you want.  We need to fix it though, not just declare it illegal.  No wonder some of these people are blowing themselves up.  They don’t leave room to try and fix stuff.  On the other hand, I’ve thought about blowing up a few insurance buildings with C-4 strapped to my ribs so I can kind of see it.”

At a seminar to deliberate whether insuring health was permissible under Islamic law Shariat, the Islamic Fiqh Academy (of India) decided that policies are illegal.  Representatives from around 300 Madrasas, including Darul Uloom Deoband, Jamiat Islami participated in the three-day meeting, where they reached a conclusion that seeking insurance coverage was only another form of gambling.  The Islamic organizations termed the policies “illegal” and directed Muslims to keep away from them.  The Academy said however, if a person had insured himself under some legal constraints, then it was matter that could be reconsidered.

“If you get hurt doing something noble like beheading Infidels or nuking the nation of Israel, then you should probably have some insurance coverage to help you out,” Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad reportedly said while trading oil for plutonium in southern Russia.  “We’re not as rigid as some people think.  We have room for some flexibility.”

In unrelated news, the UK Daily Mail reported that math genius and child prodigy Sufiah Yusof, who went to Oxford University at age 13, is now a £130-an-hour prostitute.  She boasted how sleeping with men for money gave her a sense of control she didn’t have otherwise.  “I’ve always had a high sex drive – and now I’m getting all the sex I want,” she said.  No word on how the genius hooker feels about the legality of health insurance.


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